Designer Computer Bags

where do they have good designer tote bags ? I'm taking classes at FIT and i need a niice designer bag for my computer and sketchbook where do they have nice expensive bags ???

Do you think designer brands bags are worth it? My friends have coach and LV and Gucci bags. And only one of them actually has a job, she makes bout $500 a month, because we're all college freshmen. Personally.. if i was to spend around 500 for a bag, I'd rather buy a new computer. Don't get me wrong, I love being pretty... but for a bag that you'll probably not wear in a year... couple hundred is just too much for me. what do you guys think? Do you thinking buying expensive, designer brand bags are worth it? I'm talking bout LV and coach, etc. Do you buy it just for the brand.. or actually for the quality? To what extent do you think it's okay to buy these bags... like how many is just too much.

Men bags/purses. What's okay and what's not okay? This is a big fashion risk: THE MEN BAG! Purse, messenger bag, tote, whatever. Now my question is, exactly what can men get away with? In the naughties,...well..in the last decade or two it became "okay" for men to be seen wearing these big heavy messenger bags, computer bags,...luggage bags...but anything as a fashion statement, or out and about was still very IFFY, and only those big clunky bags you can get away with. However louis vuitton, and many other designers designed bags for men, for quite some time. They became fashionable to a degree, even though at first ...it was still very "G@Y" to do so. Even now, it's still g@y, in many areas. But yet, the men bags have still come a far way. The thing is, I myself am into fashion to a degree, and I'm lucky enough to live in the NYC area, I know that in media centered places things are more tolerated, fashion types of things. SO as far as the man bag is concerned, what's okay, and what's totally a no no. As far as I'm concerned...men wearing women bags that are OBVIOUSLY for women,....is obviously a no no unless you're trying to look like a woman yourself. But I'm assuming that as long as it LOOKS like it's made for a man,..then it's okay? Also, what SIZES are okay? For men, it's still again, so strict....only the average sized bag, somewhere int he "medium size" section is okay. TOO large is G@Y, too small is G@Y... im so frustrated with all this bs, that im about to just wear whatever bag I want any size I darn well please! I'm not trying to look like a woman, but bags DO help and can look pretty cool with the right outfit, u can also throw ur junk in there. cell phone, miscellaneous items, sunblock, i dont know wahtever u have on you. Yes, MEN have these things too. Why do people tink that men just go around looking/acting like a total hobo, while women get all the fun and perks of looking like primadonnas? The second a man does it, they're labeled. I'm rebelling against that, but I still want to know, what's okay as far as men bags go, and what sizes are okay? I recently got a small perlina bag for myself, it's brown leather and expensive, and the seller said well it can be a man bag or a women bag, it looks very unisex, but the one thing that sucks about it, it's that is SMALL. It's like 7 inches across 8 down...its a small bag, like a satchel or something...i dont know, but it has a very long shoulder strap so its like a small messenger bag. i like bags though. i have alot, and thtye're either ONLY for men, or at the very best, unisex, but still i must ask you fashion people, what's okay and not. i just still dont want to go out there and look like a total freak. as much as i want to rebel, i still want to do it tastefully! ellen can u turn ur emails on? LOL. i need to ask u a question about the bags. haha. ur answer is great.

What are the best websites for discount priced designer purses and AUTHENTIC DESIGNER HANDBAGS? Money is really no object for me. My husband has a great job and I do, too. I'm spoiled rotten!!! But there's nothing better fun than the hunt online for a good deal. I am a fashionista and love all the fancy things like Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Burberry, Marc Jacobs, etc. I spend a lot of time on the computer and do almost all my shopping online -- even groceries. It's so cool because the stuff is delivered to my house! I buy a lot of bags/purses lately ESPECIALLY expensive purses and high end authentic designer handbags like Chloe and Hermes. I shop exclusively at just a few sites (I won't mention here), but I want to know other sites selling authentic bags. I want ONLY the names of sites that sell AUTHENTIC merchandise. I HATE FAKES & COUNTERFEIT and I want a good deal. So, price matters for the answer. Any suggestions? Tried the bagborrow place and don't like it. The thought of borrowing a purse makes my stomach flip. I'll try the others and hope to see more suggestions. Thanks

Why do Americans have plenty of money for the things they want, but never enough for the things they need? Why do Americans have plenty of money for: ipods, iphones, itunes, lap top computers, designer clothing, designer hand bags, tobacco, alcohol, fast food, pornography, Hannah Montana concert tickets, sporting events, Disneyland annual passports, luxury SUVs, manicures, hair that's 3 different colors, and satellite TV? Yet everybody cries poverty when it comes to the costs of medical insurance? Gasoline? Electricity? Or a gallon of milk?

How much can i make as a freelance designer while employed with a masters in computer science and an MBA? Status: I am currently a student working towards my Bachelors in Computer Science, then i plan to obtain my Masters in Computer Science and a Masters in Business Administration ( Concurrent Program ). I will also have my Associates in Web Developing in 6 months. Plan: Due to all the time i will have spent once finished with school i do not want to end up in a middle-wage paying job, my goal is to shoot to 90,000-120,000 /year, and to freelance my self as a web designer/programmer at the same time to bring in more money into my wallet. I also am reading up on other computer/internet options to make money such as SEO and Internet Marketing(FEEDS/BLOGGING/ADVERTISEMENT/PPC/ETC.) I am a very hard worker with my eye set directly into this field and want to make as much out of this as possible. Questions: Lets say once i am finished with school i become a Information Systems Manager which bring in around 120,000 / year. If i advertise my self how much do you think i could make as a self employed web developer and/or a self employed Internet Marketer? ( EXPERT/EDUCATED ANSWERS/OPINIONS ONLY) P.S. - Feel free to share more options ways in my field to make extra money for me to become Mr. Money Bags ^_^

Which company sells the best computer bag for a woman? Gucci, Coach, Louis Vuitton? looking for something kinda of designer... leather, normal sized laptop, 800-1200 dollar range... dosen't have to be the designer i listed above. a bag that doesn't scream 'nylon computer bag that the I.T. guy gave me...' please reply with a link to a bag you like. my price range is 500-1000 i like this one so far: http://www.ebags.com/products/index.cfm?modelid=61492&sourceid=GOOGFEED01

Where's the best place to sell handbags and jewelry online? I sell designer bags and jewelry and i have alot on hand I need to sell and get rid of. I also have some computer parts. Any suggestions where I can sell other than Ebay or Criagslist? Thanks

What should I get my cousin for her 19th birthday? Shes a girl and she loves Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, Saks 5th Avenue, New York City, London and different places in Europe. She also likes music, tv, computer, dancing, going to concerts, makeup, jewelry and designer bags and designer clothes and shoes. She told me she really wants this cute new chanel bag and the link is below, but its really expensive. What do you suggest I get? http://www.chanelcocococoon.com/site/#/fr/sacs-collection/sacs/bowling

"In or Out?": What fashions, makeup, or hair styles are completely out-of-style for Fall 2008? Ok Fashion and Style, and Pop culture Gurus: What women and men's styles (hair, makeup, fashion, shoes, bags, etc.) and trends are completely out of fashion, what is retro and cool, what is timeless/classic, what is trendy for Fall 2008, and what do you forecast for Spring 2009? I'm going to start: IN : natural, healthy hair, individualized cuts OUT: Emo Hair, forced overstyled hair, too much heat IN: recycling, Hybrid Cars, reusable grocery bags, clean power OUT: Gas guzzlers, H2s (they were ugly anyway), Escalades IN: Obama (even if you don't plan to vote for him, he IS very popular with the news media) OUT: Bush (eh, soooo 2000) IN: the Bob (timeless, the roaring 20s anyone?) OUT: the mullet (not back yet - be patient...give it a few more years) IN: Hoverboards (I wish) OUT: being bored (you know you watch you tube all day at work...there's no excuse for boredom) IN :Youtube and Facebook OUT: Myspace IN: Getting a Life OUT: "WOW" (You know who you are. Come on, those graphics are terrible.) IN: Barbie (yeah we like Bratz, but come on, this babe is timeless) OUT: Beanie Babies (well, my dog still likes them to chew on) IN: Eating at home or going out for Hot Wings! OUT: Overpriced chain restaurants IN: Family owned coffee houses or making stuff at home OUT: Starbucks and $5 coffee (who has the money for that after buying gas) IN: Staycations (lol) OUT: Vacations? IN: Superhero Action Flicks (Batman, Indy, Transformers, etc. retro?) OUT: Natural Disaster Movies (Wanna rent Dante's Peak on VHS?) IN: Not watching those horrible reality talent shows OUT: American Idol IN: Thrift stores and Urban Outfitters OUT: bling, designer junk, and $350 jeans IN: Tote bags OUT: $1500 designer bags. (If you're going to spend that much, go buy a computer) IN: Getting out of debt OUT: Credit cards IN: Taking trains and carpooling OUT: Commuting really far IN: Classic Rock (classic), 80s music (retro), 90s music (retro) OUT: Emo (what IS it anyway?), and just about anything they play on the radio right now IN: Jeans that look good on your unique body. OUT: Acid wash jeans (no, not back yet), Skinny, skin-tight tapered jeans (These are my pet peeve. Sorry, they don't look good on anyone except the one genetically engineered and photo-shopped model in the advertisement. You can weigh 95 lbs and they will look bad. They look awful on guys, too.) IN: Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, RC Cola etc. OUT: Burple (you know you remember that), Tab, Squirt, Crystal Pepsi, Slice, New Coke...ok maybe those are retro...how about DECAF sodas...now those are definitely OUT Ok, that was fun...you get the point. Most creative wins!

Stop buying replica bags online...? All of these people that are answering questions on here and giving you websites are from China! They have at least 20 websites that are linked up to one server and they are made to look legit! They will tell you they take Pay-Pal and they use EMS shipping which is guaranteed to clear customs and it's all a lie! Watch the way they respond....AND you can never contact them any other way except email! They are posting the questions and answering them using a different log on to get you to think that it's safe to buy from them. Anybody can come on here and say anything since yahoo is an international website...and anyone can hide behind a computer. Out of curiosity, I have researched these people thoroughly and found that some of them have changed websites at least 12 times in 3 months because every time they get caught, it's nothing to move to a new web address using godaddy.com! Trust me...my cousin is a Customs Officer and my ex is a Tech geek!!! If you want a knockoff, replica, or designer inspired bag, just go to the states & cities that sell them on every street corner and get all you want! OR go to your nearest outlet and get a coach on sale for $75, I DID!! Please stop the madness! You don't have to take my word for anything...do your own research. It costs nothing to pick up the phone and call Customs, USPS, EMS (oh, my bad you can't talk to them). And no..I don't own a shop of any kind! I am a grad student so research is a part of my school life, you should try it sometimes Ferd. And coach is the most common copied bag out there whether it's high fashion or not.

Someone is acting like i am their personal storage and will not pick up their things, what can i do? my ex friend was going to move in with me but the day she moved in she went to her boyfriend's (where she moved out of the day before because he was abusing her) and just stayed there, leaving her things at my place. she left her clothing, computer, expensive designer bag, everything. she will show up at my house at 3 in the morning "if she feels like it" just to crash. One time i was asleep in a back room and left the front door unlocked because it was 1 pm. she ended up coming in, using my expensive perfume and makeup, took a shower...ate my mother's food and drank almost all her milk...then when she heard me comming out she BOLTED. last week she asked if she could come in, i said no my mother is very sick...she PUSHED me aside and came in and said she IS taking a shower WTF. so long story short, this &%@#$ is using me. i told her to get her stuff out of my extra room and she said no. what can i do? i DONT want it here and my mother keeps getting upset with me telling me to get rid of it now...she is bedridden for a couple months and we need space for her medical machines and supplies so i know where she is coming from. now is it illegal if i just sold her stuff? i mean...she refuses to pick it up and wont listen! what should i do? donate the clothing? or is that illegal?

what should I get for my birthday? I'm turning 16 and don't know what to ask for I may or may not be getting a car so I don't want to ask for that here's what I already have: iphone ipod computer tv cable stereo fish tank designer bags what is a unique gift that not every body has but everyone loves ? anything is helpful

Am I spoiled? Am I spoiled? I am 14 and all my clothes are from department stores and sometimes boutiques. I have a few designer bags like 1 chanel and a dior and a dior wallet. then i have some cheap coach ones. i am not here to brag. I know i am not super rich it is just that kids at school make fun of me and say that i am a spoiled brat. anyway, i have a computer in my room and a slvr l7 and also a laptop. i am pretty popular at school but i am kind of losing my popularity because people dont like that i have more than them. i also have the new ipod nano and a pink digital camera. and a silver video camera. most of my shoes are just like rocket dog or nine west, i dont like to splurge on shoes. so what do you think? am i spoiled?

Sureveyyy. 10 points for most amuzing answers? 1.) what is on the shirt you r wearing right now? 2.) whats your favorite salad dressing? 3.) who is your favorite celebrity? 4.) what is your favorite Broadway show? 5.) what is your favorite color? 6.) can you snap your fingers? 7.) how many REAL designer bags do you own? 8.) what is your favorite hotdog condiment? 9.) what kind of computer do you have? 10.) what is your favorite sport? 11.) what is your favorite food? 12.) do you like nasty fast food resturaunts? 13.) what brand of shoes do you own the most of? 14.) what is your favorite city? 15.) where is your dream destination? 16.) what food is your weakness? 17.) whats on your desktop wallpaper? 18.) whats in your wallet? 19.) do you have a secret hiding place? 20.) how long have those leftovers been in the fridge? 21.) what is the last thing you bought? 22.) whats the 1st rollar coaster you rode? 23.) have you ever went to a live concert? 24.) whats your favorite icecream flavor? 25.) boxers or briefs?

if you want to take a survey for fun, click here! *10 points to most amusing answers*!? 1.) what is on the shirt you r wearing right now? 2.) whats your favorite salad dressing? 3.) who is your favorite celebrity? 4.) what is your favorite Broadway show? 5.) what is your favorite color? 6.) can you snap your fingers? 7.) how many REAL designer bags do you own? 8.) what is your favorite hotdog condiment? 9.) what kind of computer do you have? 10.) what is your favorite sport? 11.) what is your favorite food? 12.) do you like nasty fast food resturaunts? 13.) what brand of shoes do you own the most of? 14.) what is your favorite city? 15.) where is your dream destination? 16.) what food is your weakness? 17.) whats on your desktop wallpaper? 18.) whats in your wallet? 19.) do you have a secret hiding place? 20.) how long have those leftovers been in the fridge? 21.) what is the last thing you bought? 22.) whats the 1st rollar coaster you rode? 23.) have you ever went to a live concert? 24.) whats your favorite icecream flavor? 25.) boxers or briefs? have fun! if you want to you can copy the questions to the answer box and just put the answers beside the questions. you dont have to if you dont want to, i just find it easier that way.

Second Part of Story.Please Read after You finish first part and rate.? rules could help enforce your behavior now. So first, may I present to you our Head Boy and Head Girl, who will hold this traditional ritual for us. Thompson Loong and Riley Ho!” The hall erupted into applause and whispers as the boy and the girl I saw at the front of the glittering throng stood up and walked towards the raised platform where the principal stood. They were each holding a piece of stone—two pieces of the very same white marble the school building was made of, as I heard the girls next to me whisper. “It is a long standing tradition for us, the Head Boy and Girl to begin our year with the reading of the ten rules from their original inscriptions.” The boy, Thompson Loong, as the principal said, began. “And this year we have the honor to be the ones to open the school year by performing this reading.” The girl, Riley Ho, continued. “And now we present…The Ten Commandments of the School Policy of Bradwell Academy.” They said together in perfect unity. “You shall be loyal to your school, Bradwell Academy, and support no other schools but Bradwell during your time as a member of the Bradwell Community.” “You shall not put yourself or your clique above other students.” “You shall not misuse the name of the school.” “You shall attend school on all school days.” “You shall respect your teachers and elder students.” “You must not hurt other students, physically or mentally.” “You must not drink alcohol, use tobacco and demonstrate inappropriate sexual behavior during school hours, while wearing the school uniform, on school premises or in any school related events.” “You must not take the school’s or other students’ property without the owner’s consent.” “You must not provide false evidence against fellow students, hand in work done not done by you or be dishonest in any circumstances in and out of school.” “You shall not take credit for actions that you have not done.” “Breaking one of the above school rules might lead to serious consequences and we, the Head Boy and Head Girl of Bradwell Academy for Boys and Girls, promise to act as good examples to other students to act accordingly under the above rules and behave as a student of the Academy should behave.” The hall erupted in another round of applause. First Impressions When I walked into my third period class after the assembly, I found myself standing in an old fashioned lecture hall with a high ceiling, a shiny polished wood floor and rows of long benches in the same shade of mahogany as the main doors. Just like the rest of the school, the room looked like an old European palace or an equally impressive church hall, the only thing that could be related to 2010 was the widescreen Mac computer sitting on the teacher’s desk and the multi-touch whiteboard hanging next to the regular one on the front wall. I made my way towards the benches to find a seat, when someone tapped on my shoulder. I turned around and found myself facing a bearded man who can only be the teacher. “You must be our new girl. Mikayla Hui?” The teacher checked a black leather folder with the Bradwell school crest printed on it in gold; he was holding a silver bell on the other hand. He smiled at me and revealed a row of perfect white teeth, the product of expensive dental care. “Yes, sir.” I dipped my head the way I used to when I see a teacher in the hallway of my old school. “Stay here for awhile, k? I’ll introduce you.” He closed the folder and rang the bell on his other hand. “Students!” The students quickly sat down on their seats, took out their notes for the class and threw their designer bags under the floor, obviously ignoring the fact that one of their bags probably cost the same as my parents’ car. The teacher started talking once they settled down. “This is Mikayla Hui. She’s a new transfer student and she will be with us for the rest of the year.” The teacher announced to the class, I was aware of them all staring at me, judging me by how I look. “Thompson and Riley?” The teacher stopped to look for the Head Boy and Girl and found them sitting together at the top row. “I expect that you two will show Mikayla around the school.” Thompson and Riley smiled graciously and gave a little nod and the teacher turned to me. “Now, Mikayla, go find yourself a seat somewhere, okay?” and went over to the Mac on his desk. I turned to face the other students, who have begun whispering the second the teacher turned his back to them. I noticed the Head Boy and Head Girl whispering to each other, then the Head Girl pauses and looks at me. She points one manicured nail at me, bends it delicately and beckons me to go her. I had just taken a seat next to the Head Girl when the lecture hall doors swung open and a girl strode through. The class turned to stare at the newcomer. She was beautiful, like everyone else in the school was, but her uniform wasn’t as neatly pressed as that of the rest of the students and the way she w

Book title, Crime/ Romance? So I'm thinking about writing and posting a sort or novel online and I was wondering about the name of the novel. It's about a ex-fashion stylist who works as a female law enforcement officer, who has just got a new job working in Homicide and it's her take on everything. She's kind of naive. Book titles: The girly side of law enforcement Trying not to break a nail Swapping photo shoots for shootings The girly side of solving crimes Swapping designer bags for evidence bags The girly side of muders Solving crimes and wearing four-inch heels Surviving, solving and looking seriously sophisticated (PS ignore the bad spelling, Yahoo's spellchecker doesn't work on my computer). Also, if it's a crime/romance book, would it go under crime or romance? It's too girly for crime, but to murder-based and there's only just a couple of dates for romance. It's basically about her and her life. I thought it might go under the same genre as The Devil Wears Prada as they both have similar amounts of romance and are mostly about jobs (although mine is about law enforcement not a fashion magazine). Also, I've put a teeny bit of the text so you can get a feel for the character. You don't have to read it and it is only a first draft (and trust me, I can do better but i prefer to edit once the books complete as once i am 100% sure of where the story is going, i know what i can cut out. 'I can't wait for someone to die.' I exclaimed happily, watching my excited reflection in the bathroom mirror at my new workplace. Suddenly, the girl next to me looked at me strangely, as if I had just grown a second head. 'Oh, no, it's not like I want somebody to die, I just can't wait to start my job. See I'm a Homicide Investigator.' I explained, praying I wouldn't be working with her. 'Right,' she agreed looking rather unconvinced and backing slowly out of the bathroom. Cursing, I reapplied my lipgloss, brushed my long, straight, dark hair and grabbed my black, patent Fendi bag (yes, the same one Ms Beckham owns). I sensed this would be a great day. (PS sorry if this is way too long and also later in the book you get the crime elements, but this is just before she meets her new workmates and it sets the scene (and the scene is longer but I couldn't fit it all in). PS, i have done my research on what the job involves. I know all about interviewing, the differences between manslaughter and murder, gunshot residue, fingerprinting, background checks, crime scene protcol and recreations. I did a lot of research online, watched a lot of tv (most of which i noticed had massive errors, eg.taking a gun into a interview room with a suspect murderer, not wearing gloves yet touching things at crime scenes). Oh, and i have a couple of friends who work in law enforcement and i know a homicide investigator, but the character isn't meant to seem like a normal homicide investigator as a) she's new b) she used to be a stylist c) she's kind of vain and naive I'm aware she has to work her way up. she doesn't just start as a homicide investigtor. Later in the book what she used to do is mentioned and you find out more about her past and how her fiance died as a police officer and was the son of a Chief Constable. He joined to make streets safer and she wants to continue his legacy. You also find out she worked as a Constable through to Inspector for the police, worked for the SOCA and is now working as a homicide investigator for law enforcement (I say law enforcement as i'm debating her moving to America and working for the FBI as I think it could be morer intruging then working for the CID). And she is really bright, she's just the only person in the world who doesn't realise it. However, the book is mainly relating to her trying to solve a murder, getting her new partner to like and respect her and starting to date after the death of her fiance a few years ago. PS, sorry If I'm writing too much, you can skip most of the above

What should I ask for for my 13th birthday? usually, for my birthday I get one big present and then like a ton of littler things. Some examples of what I've gotten in past yrs are: swingset(age 3 or 4), bike, cell phones, etc. I already have: -uggs(like 12 pairs) -clothes(and I go to a catholic school soo they're kinda useless) -cell phone(iPhone, so I don't want another one) -brand new laptop computer -racecar(haha, I just felt like saying that I do drive a racecar and therefore have one) -Tiffany Jewelery -Hollister, Abercrombie, Juicy bathing suits -designer bags/sunglasses -juicy charm bracelet and charms I was thinking either a: Flat screen TV ATV, 4 wheeler, whatever you want to call it Trampoline or something else...? I also have Coach and LV bags, we're going to have a big party as well so any ideas for that???

Will Obama give my parents tax breaks if they're making $249,999? annually? I "hope" so. I don't want them to make more money because I don't want to lose our computers, new cars, houses, pets, designer clothes/bags/sunglasses, ability to donate to charities, vacations, and all the perks that my parents gave me because they dared to work hard. How do i stop my parents from making more money so I don't lose all my stuff? I don't want my parents to make less or more than $249,999 if Obama is elected ( that darn pesky dollar).

Really SUPER BORED. please help? 'm 18.. had an amazing christmas day, but now all family have gone home. Mum is at work. Dad is here at home but he's just listening to the radio doing suduko and is keeping himself to himself. For christmas i got lovely pressies.. but nothing which can help my boredom! I just got designer clothes/bags and make up etc. I've been soo bored literally all day. Today seems as though its gone on for weeks.. its dragging out so long. I've read my book, tidied my room.. sat here on the computer.. but i just dont know what to do now. I wanted to play sims but the games are in the attic and im now allowed up there and dad wont get them for me.. All my friends are at my friend's house celebrating her birthday but i couldnt go because she lives in another town and i cant get there. (Dad wont give me a lift). I dont want to watch a film (watched A LOT of films/tv this xmas..) :( i just want today to pass real quick. Any suggestions??

Fashion(About U) SURVEY!!? 1.)how is ur hair worn right now? 2.) what kind of top are u wearing? 3.)what is ur fav clothing store? (only 1) 4.) whats ur fav color? 5.) whats ur fav city? 6.) country or city? 7.) whats ur fav word. 8.) how many pets do u have? 9.) what grade r u in? 10.) what grade do u have in math? 11.) whats ur bestfriends name? 12.) whats ur fav website? 13.) what ur fav movie? 14.) do u straighten/curl/blow dry ur hair everyday? which one? 15.) whos ur celeb crush? 16.) whats ur fav sport? 17.) are u rich medium or poor. 18.) what color hair do u have? 19.) what time is it right now? 20.) if u can live anywhere, where? 21.) whats ur fav designer bag? 22.) worst teacher uve ever had? 23.) whatcha were for halloween? 24.) what computer do u have? 25.) whats the color of ur bed? and 26.) whats ur name? n um whats sketchy suppose to mean?? n im not like an online predator, im only a 14 year old girl.(n i no whatcha thinking "thats what all the people say") well believe it cause it the truth!

I remember kind of digging html but hated programming. Any career ideas? I'm 31 but I do recall kind of liking html however I took a programming class and hated it so I know I'm not cut out for computer science. I also know I am not cut out to be a graphic designer because I am the opposite of artistic. I think I'd like building websites but would one have to be artistic to do this? Also what kind of degree would this require? I'm assuming computer science which I am fairly positive isn't my bag. Anyway, just wanting thoughts. Thanks

Am I Racist Against My Own Race? I really dislike "ghetto" people, boys and girls. I dislike how they talk, how they dress, how they act, and like etc. I don't associate with them at all. If a ghetto person sits beside me in class, I will ask to be moved. If I'm anywhere in public or whatever, and like some like obviously ghetto people are near me, I'll just walk away hecka like fast or whatever. I have stepbrothers and sisters who are from "south side", and when they come over I stay in my room and I don't want to be anywhere near them. My step dad is also from like the ghetto, and like omg, I hate when he's in the car with me and my mom. I hate when he's in my room to use my computer. Just.. Ugh! I admit I sometimes say things like "They're just ghetto, so excuse them" or stuff like "They don't know any better". I call chicks "hood rats" like all the time. I see girls with like pajamas on everywhere they like go or whatever.. I'm just like Oh My GG! Barf me out! Seriously! If a ghetto person tries to talk to me, I tell them to get out of my face or leave me alone or I just walk away or like whatever.. I don't share with ghetto people. I dislike ghetto people around me or in the same room as me. I just seriously dislike them! In my own opinion, I feel as though its because of people that act "ghetto", that African-Americans get pre-judged based on their color. & Sometimes Do not get treated fairly.. Now about me, I live in Georgia. Im 14, 9th grade. Black Of Course. And I love it. I'm proud of my heritage and where I came from. But, I wear Aeropostale, Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle, & etc. My hand bags are designer, and Some Caucasians never believe that they are real. I guess because I'm black or whatever. I Listen To Country, Pop, & Like Totally Very Seldomely Rap. I'm an only child, so I'm pretty spoiled. I'm the like true definition of a country valley girl. I hate my name. Which is Teileisha. (Please Don't Use My Name To Stalk Me). & Its way too ghetto for me. My Mom, Dad, and Step Mom are not ghetto at all. But unlike me, they are ohkay being around them and holding a conversation with them. Like Seriously, Gag me with a spoon! Ugh! So, I've never been to the "hood" and I don't ever plan on going (its too scary). I live in a predominetly white neighborhood. Some Black people dislike me because they say I'm "stuck-up" or "I think I'm better than everyone else". I'm just like whatever dude! That is so not me! & I admit I am pretty mean to ghetto people. I always tell them how everything they say/do influences the way people perceive them & etc. But generally, I'm like a nice girl. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Not sexually active. I'm a Good kid... I JUST DISLIKE GHETTO PEOPLE! So Am I Racist? Do I Discriminate? By the way, I'm not saying all African-Americans are "ghetto"..

what to get as a present for doing great in school? "amazing" in school they say. I am going into 10th grade, i have a dog, a camera, a phone, a computer i dont have a t.v. and they won't get me one. I have a lot of bags (not all designer) i dont really want another one, i have makeup, jewelry, clothing, I AM NOT spoiled at all i have gathered all of this up over the years so please no sarcastic answers. I am a girly girl not too girly though. I do not want video games or any sort of like games. i have an ipod as well. Any ideas of what i could get>? thanks!

I'm getting teased just because we haven't got much money..? My Mum and dad split up when I was small. he started at first sending money for me but then he stopped. he moved away so we don't know where he is. My mum works 2 jobs and even then doesn't get much money. I'm proud of my mum but the kids at school tease me for not having the right stuff. for example just because I was wearing second hand school shoes everyone calls me a tramp. Also I have a cheap bag, not designer or anything like that so they pick on me throwing my bag in the mud. Today they asked if I had a computer, I said yes. they asked which one it was (its an old one) and they were like TRAMP PIKIE!!! I don't want to tell my mum because i no she is trying her best and i don't mind about not having new stuff but i do mind being teased about it. what shall i do about it?

Why don't people realize this about wealth redistribution? If we redistributed the wealth there would be no reason for anyone to do the important jobs like doctors or computer designers. If I were to make the same money as everyone else I would bag groceries instead of becoming an engineer. Also the people who work with you that produce less and are lazy will get the same money. Plus Steve Jobs would not have invented the Ipod because he would never have been rewarded for it, or Henry Ford would not have started Ford. Why cant people see while it seems like a nice theory it would never work in real life. scott is is not up to you to decide who helps who. If you force people to help others that is tryanny

Do you think I'm rich? My friends say I'm rich, but I don't think I am. I'm really trying not to be rude, I promise! I have: - A Dooney and Bourke purse -My sister has a pair of Coach shoes and a D & B purse - I have UGGS and my sister has UGG Moccassions - My mom has a Coach purse - 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house (But my parent's room is 3 combined) - Air hockey, dome hockey, and fooseball tables - I have a Macbook and we have 3 other laptops - Then we have a computer - A Ralph Lauren bag (IDK if that counts, my friend says it does...) - My mom gets $50 haircuts every 2 weeks - I have a COUPLE of Juicy Couture sweats I don't think it's fair people call me rich. I've worked for all of my designer stuff and it's not even that much! But whatever... Do you think I'm rich? Oh my GOD! I'm NOT TRYING TO RUB IT IN YOUR FACE! I asked a question, okay? I'm not going to "Get over myself" because guess what? I'm not even under! I work hard for the things I have. Maybe I don't save, maybe I do. If my parents stopped buying things for me, I'd be okay. Most of my clothes are hand-me-downs from my sister. If they aren't, I bought them with my own money. It's not like I have servants running around doing things for me! It might sound like a lot but one of the laptops is for my dad's work only. Then he has one for his taxes, pleasure, ect. My mom has one and I BOUGHT MINE. Then there's one for my brother and sister. Besides, it would have cost my parents MORE money if they got a small bedroom. I'm dead serious, they didn't even want it. But whatever, that's your opinion. Alright, I read some more answers and read my question. I agree that I sound spoiled so if I were you, I'd put that too. I'm actually a very nice person, I swear. I appreciate what I have every day and I have NEVER taken anyone or anything for granted. I go to church and I donate my clothes to Goodwill. I support PETA and the PSPCA. I make my money babysitting. (Caring for little kids that their parents entrusted their life to for a couple hours, if you didn't know what it met.) You guys are right, I did ask. I'm not any kid on My Super Sweet Sixteen, but I'm not homeless either. Gosh, why does this have to be so hard!? But thank you, I mean that from the bottom of my heart, for answering because now I feel spoiled and it's making me appreciate things even more than I do now.

Mall Scavenger Hunt List? My sister is having a 12th birthday party at well, the mall. And it's going to be like... following this: "For my daughter's thirteenth birthday she had a Mall Scavenger Hunt and a sleepover. We had to make sure that it was a party she would remember, since she was no longer a kid. INVITATIONS: For the invitations, she made Visa Credit cards on the computer, with the guest's name on the front, and all of the information on the back. She printed it onto gold cardstock (for thicker paper) and got them laminated. She put them into envelopes along with confetti, and mailed them. She invited 7 people, plus her is 8. DECORATIONS: My daughter's favorite colors - white/grey and black - created the main color scheme. We had streamers and balloons in all of the rooms the girls would be in, along with whited christmas lights. We also bought black and white plates utensils and cups along with a cake that had white and black icing. PARTY: After arrival the girls just hung out for a while and then we drove them over to the mall. My daughter made a list of items that were needed to be bought at the mall pictures to be taken free items to be collected and a Bonus section. She printed out that list along with the rules such as all team members must be in the pictures etc. All girls pulled a bandana out of a bag and went to their teams (we had 2 teams of 4.) Then they decided amongst themselves who would be the captain. The captain received a cheap purse from the dollar store which held $40, a camera, the list my daughter had made, and the rules. The they had 1 1/2 hours to buy items (such as a stuffed animal or a brown hair accessory), take pictures (such as modeling designer handbags and wearing green lipstick), and collect free items (such as a business card or napkin). Each of these things were worth a certain amount of points - Purchases = 3 pts each; Pictures = 2 pts each; Free Items = 1 pt each. We also gave them about 1 1/2 hours to shop for themselves if they weren't tired. The girls came home for pizza, cake, and opening of presents. While they were doing this my husband got the photos developed so we could tally up points. The winning team got to pick a bag first. In the bag were the items that the teams had bought. After those were all gone, the girls made t-shirts. We gave them each a white t-shirt and set out scissors, tacky glue, a stapler, fabric markers, glitter glue, and extra multi-colored fabric. Then after 30 minutes, they voted on their favorites. The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd places got a crown and a huge lollipop. Then the girls had free time and they all went outside to play kick the can. Then they came in at about 10:00 for movies. Downstairs we had set up a snack bar with popcorn soda and boxes of candy. The girls watched a few chick flicks them stayed up until about three talking and listening to music. In the morning, I made homemade waffles and let them add syrup powdered sugar fruit and whipped cream. They LOVED them. Then the girls played around outside until their parents came at 10:30. We gave the girls their goody bags then finally got our rest. GOODYBAGS: For goody bags we gave out - along with the picture frames and scavenger hunt items - a lot of candy and 2 kingsized candy bars. My daughter and all of her friends absolutely loved this party and my daughter doesn't stop talking about it! I would strongly recommend it to anyone throwing their daughter a 13th birthday party. I hope this helps with your party!" That was from a site and we'll be following it. >< The stores at the mall are: abercrombie Abercrombie and Fitch aerie Aeropostale American Eagle Outfitters Angel Nails Ann Taylor Apple Art & Frame Plus As Seen On TV AT&T Auntie Anne's Aveda Bakers Banana Republic Bandolino The Barber of Seville Bath and Body Works bebe Blooming Beauty Supply and Salon The Body Shop Borders Express Bostonian Brighton Collectibles Brookstone Build-A-Bear Workshop Cache Cakelove Caribou Coffee Co. Cartoon Cuts Champs Sports Charming CHARLIE Childrens Place Cinderella Divine Cinnabon Claire's Coach Cold Stone Creamery Coldwater Creek CT Boutique CVS DaVi Nails DMV Easy Spirit Eddie Bauer Elite Boardshop Express FACES Cosmetics Family Christian Bookstore FinishLine Fontainebleau Foot Locker Fossil French & European Perfumes Fuzziwig's Candy Factory FYE Music Games Workshop GameStop Gap, Baby & Maternity The Gap Glory GNC Godiva Golden Links Gymboree H&M Hakky Shoe Repair Hallmark Helzberg Diamonds Hollister Co Hot Topic Hour Eyes The Icing J.Crew J.Jill Jackson Hewitt Janie &Jack JCPENNEY Journeys Justice Kay Jewelers L'OCCITANE The Leather Store LensCrafters LIDS Lijenquist & Beckstead Fine Jewelers The Limited Lord & Taylor MAC Cosmetics Macy's Men's Wearhouse and Tux Michael Kors Naartijie Kids Nail Pro New York & Company Pacific Sunwear Papaya Papyrus Payless ShoeSource The Picture People Pottery Barn Pott

Ok someone please help on this!? Create the image and graphics for a major company The Entrance Requirement Project described below can be downloaded in printable, PDF format by clicking here. Imagine you are a Graphic or Digital Media Designer who has been hired to create a marketing program for a major company. Describe a real or imaginary store (including type of merchandise, specialty or department store, etc.) and the typical customer who would shop there. In describing the customer, include the following: * Age range * Sex * Environment (Urban, Suburban, Country, etc.) * Income range * Lifestyle (Job, Leisure Activities, Family Lives, etc.) * Values and Viewpoints * Marital Status * Education Create a slogan for the store. The slogan can suggest an attitude (ex. “JUST DO IT”), describe the products (ex. “DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER”), or be a call to action (ex. “DRIVERS WANTED”). THE STORE’S SLOGAN SHOULD BE NO MORE THAN 10 WORDS. Using any combination of computer graphics, colored pencils, watercolors, or felt tip markers, create the following: 1. A COVER FOR THE STORE’S NEW CATALOG 2. A MAGAZINE AD 3. A DESIGN TO BE PRINTED ON THE STORE’S SHOPPING BAGS IMPORTANT NOTES: The description of the store’s customer will determine what the store’s graphics will look like. Your work will be reviewed for creativity and quality of presentation. Remember: A neat presentation is always advantageous. All work submitted to FIDM becomes the property of the college and will not be returned. This is a entrance project i have to do to get in FIDM. Can someone please explain what all it means, tell me in detail please? Thanks so much

When they keep saying "the economy is getting worse" do they mean that people can't afford to buy hummers...? and coach bags and zillions of video games for their fat kids and mcmansions they can't afford and 3 vacations a year and ugg boots for the whole family or do they mean that people like me who live a modest life are going to be too poor to eat? I really don't get it. I mean I see that New Yorkers, and Californians, and more, live by $1000.00 dinners, and $400.00 blouses, and weekends in Vegas. Their kids don't work but wear designer clothes and have cars. 12 year old gets manicures. I eat cereal for breakfast, work, take my kid to school, make dinner, watch a little cable t.v., play on the computer and go to bed. WHAT IS GOING ON? Is it that the new wave of uneducated 40 hour a weekers who live like Elizabeth Taylor are going to have to live like their parents did? Or am I going to go hungry? WHat does all of this mean?

need help finding my daughter this flowergirl dress?? can't find it anywhere help!!!? I had in my head what i wanted the dress to look like. To my surprise i found it within moments of sitting down at my computer. Called the store and the said they have discontinued it. It all fits the company started the year i was born and they released the dress the day and year that my daughter was born. I am getting so frustrated right now. I would like to see what you guys can come up with !!! Please help me find this dress. Flowergirl Dresses Style S07F781 Designer: Mary's Bridal (P.C. Mary's) House of Brides presents flowergirl dresses by Mary's Bridal, a collection of sweet dresses for the smallest member of your party! With demure style and thoughtful touches of color. Mary's Bridal flowergirl dresses are sure to please your girl! Style S07F781 is in Satin. This A-line gown features a halter top, satin ribbon edging/crystal bow at v-neck of halter, tulle skirt and metallic embroidery. Includes bag. Shown in Peach/Silver. Designer : Mary's Bridal (P.C. Mary's) Style Number : S07F781 Size : 4 T Color : Peach/Silver White/Silver Neckline : Halter Waist/Silhouette : A-Line Fabric : Satin Sleeve length : Sleeveless Hem line: Floor Length Please help me find this dress i have made phone calls even to my local wedding shops and none of them have one. Please help !!! Thanks Ok so maybe your right ! now that i am thinking about it ..... maybe I would like to find a dress that looks very similar to this one ...... same color just not a halter top. I didn't think it was that bad i thought that it showed just as much as what a spaghetti strap shirt would. so i didn't see a problem but i do see a problem with tan lines showing. so Thanks for pointing that out. the wedding is august 14th 2010 !!!

Mystery Riddle: Who done it? Detective Larson gazed around the cluttered dingy apartment. The aging famous columnist Max Worthington had been fatally stabbed. His agent, Roger, had called the police when Max failed to submit his column to the newspaper. Max's body was draped over his manual typewriter. The detective glanced at the paper in the typewriter. It appeared to be the writer's column. The victim's head rested on the keyboard and had apparently hit random keys causing the last line of the article to be followed by "49t34 w5qgg3e j3". The detective was surprised to see that Max had used a typewriter rather than a computer. Roger, Max's agent, explained that Max found it therapeutic to pound the keys on his typewriter, and despised computers. Out of a list of acquaintances provided by Max's agent, the detective questioned the following people. Marisa had been separated from Max for the last year and a half. Although initially the split had been amicable, lately things had gotten nasty about the latest division of their assets. Max was willing to give Marisa the mansion and a generous lump sum payment, but wanted to draw the line at the excessive alimony being demanded by Marisa's lawyer. Marisa was living in the mansion and had a generous pre-alimony settlement and an extremely attractive new boyfriend. Jillian was Max's current girlfriend. She definitely was a looker and by all appearances was extremely high maintenance. She was also the spring in this May/December romance. Although crying, she was devastatingly attractive in her designer dress. She had a Gucci bag, wore emerald and diamond jewelry and on her wrist a new Rolex. The detective suspected her grief was for the loss of her "gravy train" and not for the deceased. Max's brother, Gerald, had been dating Marisa when Max had stolen her away. Gerald still held a grudge and blatantly told the detective that "he was glad his brother was dead and good riddance". He hinted that he might try to win Marisa back, now that his brother was dead. After a brief investigation an arrest was made. Who did the detective arrest? explain how you got the answer

where to get a real chanel bag!!!? i love chanel, it is my favorite designer of all time!!! i live in new jersey, so i am not that way away from new york city at all, the probably is i real want a chanel bag but i don't want to go into the city to get it,.... what websites can i order a real chanel bag and not get cheated by the people who own the site.. i'm scared if i spend all this money on a bag on a site, that they will just send me a fake one. i really want a real chanel bag but i want to order it off the computer, how would i do that????

Help Me With Autodesk Inventor Professional 2008? No one will help me, my teacher is always too busy and i'm behind. Please help me! I basically need to do this with Autodesk Inventor Professional 2008: *Note* You don't need to help me with the questions. I just need the Autodesk Inventor Professional 2008 file with the requirements. Please? Or at least teach me it through email? Thanks. Here: http://morrayeclass.com/IED/Project141PuzzleDesignChallenge.htm Project 1.4.1 – Puzzle Design Challenge Purpose Have you ever looked at a product that has been well-designed? Do you find yourself asking questions, such as, “How did the designer think of that idea?” or “What is involved in the creation of that product?” The more you study and learn about design and how designers create items, you begin to learn certain skills and knowledge that you can only acquire through experience. Design challenges provide opportunities to apply skills and knowledge in unique and creative ways. Taking an idea you have and transferring it from a concept to a sketch, to working drawings, to models, and then to a working prototype is exciting and fun. It also entails several steps. When you are a one-person design and build team, the task of effective communication is rather simple. However, what happens when you must communicate your ideas to others, or the responsibility for building a team’s solution falls on someone else’s shoulders? This increases the level of responsibility significantly and requires the development of a complete set of design documentation in order to communicate effectively. Equipment •Engineer’s notebook •Number 2 Pencil •27 – ¾ in. hardwood cubes •Scotch or masking tape •27 – interlocking plastic centimeter cubes(optional) •Digital camera •Paper towels •Isometric grid paper •Markers and Colored pencils •Wood glue •Sandwich size Ziploc® bag for storage •220 abrasive paper •Computer with 3D CAD solid modeling software Procedure This project will provide you the opportunity to exercise your creativity and develop your sketching and modeling skills, as well as your ability to use the computer as an efficient communication tool. What you have learned throughout Unit 1 – Design Process will be applied to this project. The activities that you have completed throughout the lessons of Unit One will provide you with the information, components, and requirements needed to complete this project. Requirements 1.Study the Puzzle Cube Design Brief located on the following page. 2.Brainstorm and sketch on isometric grid paper possible puzzle part combinations for your cube using Activity 1.4.2 Brainstorming Possible Combinations. 3.Neatly sketch and color code your five parts used in the cube solution and show how they fit in the isometric view of the cube on isometric grid paper. See your teacher for an example. You will need a total of two solutions with ten different parts. 4.Choose your best option from the two solutions. 5.Create the five parts to your cube using 3-D modeling software. Color the parts the same color combination used in the sketching phase of your project. 6.Create multiview drawings for each of the five parts using 3-D modeling software and print out using a drawing sheet. 7.Fabricate your five parts using the 27 cubes and glue. Color using markers or colored pencils and assemble your cube. 8.Assemble your cube using 3-D modeling software and print out the completed cube on a drawing sheet. Puzzle Design Challenge Brief Client:Fine Office Furniture, Inc. Target Consumer:Ages 3+ Designer: _____________________________________ Problem Statement: A local office furniture manufacturing company throws away tens of thousands of scrap ¾” hardwood cubes that result from its furniture construction processes. The material is expensive, and the scrap represents a sizeable loss of profit. Design Statement: Fine Office Furniture, Inc. would like to return value to its waste product by using it as the raw material for desktop novelty items that will be sold on the showroom floor. Design, build, test, document, and present a three-dimensional puzzle system that is made from the scrap hardwood cubes. The puzzle system must provide an appropriate degree of challenge to a person who is three years of age or older. Constraints: 1.The puzzle must be fabricated from 27, ¾” hardwood cubes. 2.The puzzle system must contain exactly five puzzle pieces. 3.Each individual puzzle piece must consist of at least three, but no more than six hardwood cubes that are permanently attached to each other. 4.No two puzzle pieces can be the same. 5.The five puzzle pieces must assemble to form a 2 ¼” cube. 6.Some puzzle parts should interlock. Conclusion 1.Why is it important to model an idea before making a final prototype? 2.Based on your experiences during the completion of the Puzzle Design Challenge, what is meant when someone says, “I us

Isn't Brogan a lucky little thing? Or is she now damaged goods? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1205122/At-just-11-Brogan-SPOILT-child-Britain.html "Given that Brogan Mackay was born with not so much a silver spoon as a £25 Burberry designer dummy in her mouth, it is perhaps no surprise that she is growing up with rather expensive tastes. In 11 short years she has graduated from £180 white Gucci loafers, bought by her mother, Alison, before Brogan could even toddle, to £475 Jimmy Choo sandals, and now has a wardrobe stuffed with designer outfits and handbags to match. Her bedroom is strewn with Chanel and Prada handbags. A Gucci bag lies tossed to one side, and is that the latest Louis Vuitton lurking beneath a sequinned cushion? Indeed it is, for Brogan likes to start each school year with a new ‘It’ bag. If there was a GCSE in designer labels, Brogan would be on course for a triple-starred A. And when she tires of all her designer clobber, she can amuse herself with her £550 flatscreen TV, iPhone and £1,300 worth of top brand computer equipment so she can keep up-to-date with the very latest trends and showbiz gossip about her favourite idols. It will not surprise you to learn that her role models are such luminaries as Paris Hilton, Katie Price and sexually provocative pop star Lady GaGa, whose choice of outfit often consists of knickers and little else. Brogan, remember, is just 11, and has just finished primary school."

Funny monologue for teen girl? I found this monologue online and showed it to my family, but they really didn't like it: Do you realize that tonight is the most important night of my life? Oh my God!  Do you?  It's like totally more important than cheer tryouts.  It's more important than my first kiss, the first day of middle school, the first day of high school, the first day of Driver's Ed, more important than my driver's license, more important than any of my ex-boyfriends, more important than my current boyfriends...  I mean boyfriend.  It is the pinnacle of the high school experience.  The prom.  Prom night.  The night that I will remember for the rest of my life.  I spent six hundred dollars on my dress.  Anyway, Jane Hickman spent a thousand...  She's a total daddy's girl.  For her sixteenth birthday, her Dad bought her a brand new Ford Explorer.  For my sixteenth birthday I only got a two year old Taurus.  Whatever.  Some girls are just born with a silver spoon in their mouth.  She's such a snobby little rich girl.  A little rich girl whose parents buy her anything she wants.  Her parents have a swimming pool and a tennis court.  All we have is a jacuzzi.  One time she told me she (Makes quote signs with her fingers.) liked my outfit.  She's such a snob.  I know what she meant.  She was making fun of my new designer jeans.  She thinks they're out of fashion already.  Skank.  Oh well, I'm not going to let Jane Hickman ruin the most important night of my life.  My six hundred dollar dress is way more stylish that that over-priced rag she's gonna' wear.  That little witch.  That little slut.  I'm gonna' be homecoming royalty for sure.  Homecoming queen!  I hate Jane Hickman.  Hicky Hickman, 'cause she's always got a hicky on her neck.  That little hootchie mamma better not be getting on the royal court.  I'd just kill myself if she was homecoming queen.  I'd kill myself!  It's bad enough her dress cost more.  It's bad enough she's got a newer car.  It's bad enough she's got a pool and a tennis court.  I hate my parents.  I can't believe you're related to my Mom.  She's so lame.  At least you have money.  We sure don't.  Why don't we have a pool and a tennis court?  My Mom is so lazy all she does is sit around at the computer.  My Dad's never around.  He's always at the (Makes quotes with her fingers again.) office.  Whatever that means.  Like if he was at the (Makes quotes one last time.) office, he'd be making money right?  Well, maybe he needs to get his butt in gear and get his daughter a fifteen hundred dollar dress so she doesn't look like a bag lady at the prom.  That's what I'm going to look like.  A bag lady!  Jane Hickman is gonna' be prom queen for sure.  This is gonna' be the worst night of my life. Do ya'll like it. Its for a tryout? If you don't like it could you post a website url or one that you like. Thanks :)

Which IT course is better? Also, can you guys please give me their advantages and disadvantages. Here are the choices: BS Computer Science with specialization in Computer Systems Engineering The Computer System Engineering (CSE) program combines a computer science curriculum with selected subjects in computer engineering, combining synergistically the power of digital computers with analog electronics, electromechanical systems and computer software. Curriculum tracks specializing in embedded systems, mobile robotics, digital signal processing, and system automation are offered. With these, students in this program gain the knowledge of developing application-specific computer-based systems, with emphasis on real-time systems and automation. Computer System Engineering graduates can pursue careers as microprocessor systems designers, embedded system engineers, test engineers, and system software developers. Possessing excellent hard and soft skills, CSE graduates are ready to be productive individuals in the IT and allied industries. Bachelor of Science in Computer Science with Specialization in Software Technology (CS-ST) The Software Technology program prepares students to become mature software engineers and researchers. The program trains students in the discipline of software engineering, focusing on the design of efficient, reliable, and quality software products. ST students are capable of doing research. Early on in their academic life, students are encouraged to explore their research interests and discover innovative technology that will help shape the future of Computer Science Research. The program provides the necessary background for students to pursue graduate studies. At the end of the 3rd year, ST students will begin developing their thesis project. Students in a group of four conceptualize and develop complex software system, in which they will defend at the end of the 4th year. The quality of the student's thesis has met and sometimes exceeded the standards of the local computing industry. Many organizations have even expressed commendation for the students' thesis. In June 1998, four ST students entered their thesis project in the DOST-sponsored Search for Product Excellence in Information Technology. The group bagged the first prize, taking home a total of one million pesos. In the field of artificial intelligence, several thesis projects involving strategic games have been developed. For instance, GenWars is an undergraduate thesis project that is similar to existing strategy games like Warcraft, Command and Conquer, and Red Alert. However, in GenWars, different characteristics, such as life, stamina, and fighting skills, are used as basis for overall strength. It also simulates psychological characteristics such as obedience, camaraderie, wisdom, bravery, and hiding abilities. The sequence is dependent on game situations and is not predictable or periodic like in the usual strategy games. Long Story, short: The first choice focuses on the software and the Platform of the computer itself.... So yeah, and the second choice is about making games. I'm fine with both, but can anyone give me their advantages and disadvantages. Possible pays for both if I get hired, stuff like that. Thanks!!!

Am I spoiled? I have a lot of designer bags like Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs, etc. My house is like 6,000 sq. ft. and I have a pool. I live in Houston too. I get pretty much all my clothes at Nordstrom, Saks, or Niemans. I have a pink slvr L7 and my own computer in my room. I get to get whatever clothes I want usually... but my mom doesnt want to spoil me so she doesnt ALWAYS get everything I want. I feel spoiled and it isnt really the best feeling. Judging from what I told you, am i spoiled?

I want a different job...? I'm presently a Graphic Designer/ Photo Retouch-er/ Digital Enhancer... but I'm bored. I wanna have a completely different career altogether... I'm sick of it. The only time I wanna see another computer is for fun, not work. I want a job that I won't ever have to stare into bright lights and where I wont leave every evening with tons of bags under my eyes... I jus turned 20 years old, I think the sky's the limit for me... what should i do?

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want. I am Aries, I must say I do resemble some of these remarks. I'm always bumping my head & I can relate to Hard Headed Women by Cat Stevens and I won't bring a knife to a gun fight :) ENJOY!

A short story..I think? i whipped it up in about a half hour i was just bored on the computer, i didn't even bother to spell check. I'm up for criticism. i didn't start this knowing where it would go i was thinking up the next word as i typed it. so lemme know.... She is "beauty", Inspiring things lately manifested deeply behind hate and fear. The type of woman you would hope dearly to glimpse on the hottest day of your month-long peril through a treacherous Sahara. Even if this is a mirage, I dare not move. Fearing the slightest disturbance of air would fright this wonder to flee. Out of breath panting i outreach..not thin air i grasp but a lush of delicate hair streams through my rough whithered hands. Soft spoken with a melodic voice that would leave any voice over actress in the dust. "Everything..everything you will ever need." the sky loosely wrenching rolling, lawling like a overjoyed tired out old dog. mountains dancing like the waves of some high sea, in your average day to day pirate ship story. "Today, is the day you find true love." again on this mirage, opening my mouth for words when all that spills out is choked up smoke. wishing i could say more, turning she didn't look back. Walking away she faded into what nobody can understand. to the impossible but not beyond reach. The sky now had begun convulsing like a drunk writhing in pain to hack up his microwave late-dinner. but now with the joy of the moment faded completely the ground stood still, the light of the blazing sun was no more. It was replaced with a vivid light shone dark red. the smell of fresh plastic. To my knees i fell. No strength left to carry on. I managed every ounce of energy my body kept in reserves for future well use. i looked at this wondrous sky, and let out the scream of my life. I could not hear myself only the sharp ring as if a high powered grenade had burst just out of lethal range. louder and louder. My trembling hands and broken joints, all tearing at my own body. then out from some warp of indefinite time and infinite space appeaared something so amazing i could not make up my mind if i was terrified or overjoyed. this creature of a man with a pig-snout bulls horns framing a face so twisted and gnarled it made me more naucious then this quivering sky. the best of hair which had to reach the mid back length on this thing. so huge it looked like three bulls and an assortment of 4 to 5 wild animals massed together. eyes reminiscent of a wolf, but rather they had feline quality and shimmer. the torso of a man legs of a black jaguar but stood vertically like a would-be human. no tail that was in sight. he wore what seemed to be clothes but they seemed to hover an inch above his skin rather then touch. i could not make out what the clothes looked like they seemed to be translucent and yet solid. Black. slowly walking toward me i realized i had hesitated to examine this thing too long, scratching all the nails from fingertips i clawed to my feet and began to run. running, the hardest i believe i have ever ran before. i wished i was in a movie and able to summon unearthly spped and make it all the way back to my lonely home. where i could go back to being alone. after what seemed to be thirty seconds i dared a look back, astonished the man-beast had brought himself to all fours sprinting like a cheetah he was a mere lunge from taking me. with a growl so horrible i would have surely needed another pair of boxers come the aftermath. he lunged and caught my right leg. i felt the cold rush of blood and the shock of a fresh wound. now on the ground the beast held me there. he began licking the wound with a tongue as long as a cow but thin and rough like an aged man.screaming i tried to kick which seemed only to anger the man and he left the wound to bleed on it's own. at my face this thing was looking me in the eye not six inches from my face. looking into me with those cat eyes, he had a stench about him the reminded me of a fresh batch of laundry mixed with the post-digested smell of mashed tacos. he said my name aloud. i dared not answer back. he began screaming. "Let go!" over and over "LET GO! LET GO!" fear as tight as a bears maw gripped me. i tried to wriggle free to no avail. "Let go!" his voice so deep and hateful. it now began to rise into harmony with another sound. something i could not identify. high pitched then soft then loud. i felt my whole body moving and bouncing. Closing my eyes hoping all of this would soon be over. i heard the noise of a shopping bag from a nice designer style clothes retail store. opening my eyes i was now awake in my room. bed spreads tossed and the mattress revealed by my apparent struggling, i was on the left edge of the bed in a cold sweat. Chloey had a hold of both my shoulders straddling me trying to bring back to reality. i struggled to grasp what had just happened. i looked around for the beast, the bag, the desert, anything to make sence of this. then i thought of the beautiful woman in the something happened, i think it cut off the end of the story, is there a character limit for this section?? i'm going to try to find a different way to post it up here.

What is your horoscope sign...? Do any of these characteristics apply to you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's ******** system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want. I am a Leo. I love automated opening doors and nothing would give me more pleasure than to have Clappers applaud me when I enter a room. I must admit I am an attention seeking person. ENJOY!

Which laptop is a better buy? Arm yourself with the mobile know-how to navigate anywhere--the Satellite A205S5831 notebook computer. A 1.73GHz Intel Pentium dual-core processor T2370 and 1024MB PC5300 DDR2 SDRAM allow you to take the office or the entertainment on the road without missing a beat. The generous 160GB SATA hard drive supports your media and data collections, and the DVD SuperMulti +/-R double-layer drive accommodates 11 disc formats so you can easily add to your library or transfer files. Atheros 802.11b/g wireless LAN puts a cordless connection at your fingertips, and the 15.4" diagonal WXGA widescreen TruBrite TFT LCD display projects everything from word processing to the Web in the utmost clarity. When you're on the move, the Elite nylon carrying case makes packing and protecting your notebook easier than ever. The lightweight yet durable bag is outfitted with an interior padded laptop sleeve and space for files and magazines; a front flap pocket for pens, CDs, and other essentials; and a smaller zip pocket for your keys or cell phone. From Toshiba. QVC neither condones nor encourages the use of this, or any similar technology, to acquire unauthorized recordings of copyrighted works; inclusive of, but not limited to, the download of prerecorded media via the Internet. Wireless capability and use of public wireless locations or hot spots may require a network connection, additional accessories, and a service connection fee. Access to and use of the Internet may require payment of a separate fee to an Internet Service Provider, DSL line, or more. The download speeds experienced with the modem may be slower due to varying line conditions. Not all DVD-R/-RW and DVD+R/+RW discs are compatible with all DVD-R/-RW and DVD+R/+RW players. Contact the manufacturer for further information. 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Operating System: Windows Vista Home Premium with SP1 LCD Monitor: 15.4" Widescreen Ultrabright WXGA TFT (1280x800) Media Card Reader: 5-in-1 digital media manager - Secure Digital (SD), Memory Stick (MS), Memory Stick Pro, Multimedia Card (MMC) and XD-Picture Card Other Differentiator: Synaptics touchpad with vertical scroll and metal touch-sensitive multimedia buttons Additional Features and Specifications: •System Bus: 256KBx2 •Cache Memory: L2 HyperTransport technology at up to 1600MHz •Graphics: ATI Radeon X1270 •Video Memory: Up to 256MB of HyperMemory •Mouse: Synaptics touchpad with vertical scroll •Speakers: Stereo speakers, Microphone In, Headphone/Audio Out •Modem: 56K ITU V.92 fax/modem •Network Interface: 10/100 Mbps built-in Ethernet •Ports: (1) Expresscard Type 54 Expansion Slot, (3) USB 2.0, (1) VGA connector, (1) RJ11-modem, (1) RJ45-Ethernet, (1) AC adapter connector, (1) Kensington Lock Slot, (1) Microphone, (1) Headphone/SPDIF Audio Out, (1) HDMI connector v1.2 •Wireless Network Adapter: 802.11g •Measures approx. 10.39"L x 14.09"W x 1.4"H •Weighs 6.29 lbs. •Model #M-1412 •ETL listed •Made in China •Comes with a manufacturer's 1-year limited warranty Accessories Include: •Lithium-ion battery •3 PC essential software DVDs (not pre-installed) •3 Tiger Woods 2007 CDs •User manual Pre-Installed Software: •MS Works 9.0 •MS Money Essentials •MS Office Home and Student 2007 (60-day complimentary trial period) •Adobe Reader 8 •CyberLink Power2Go for DVD Burning •Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 •Napster 3.0 (30-day trial) •Microsoft Internet Explorer •Google toolbar and Google desktop search •AOL (90-day complimentary trial) •Gateway Connect •NetZero Internet Access •Windows Live Messenger for Video Conferencing •LoJack for Laptops BIOS Hardware Persistence Agent (subscription required to activate) •Kensington Lock Slot (cable lock sold separately) •Spare Backup •GatewayShield Comprehensive Security: Norton Internet Security 2008 (60-day complimentary live updates) •Gateway BigFix - helps identify and solve problems •Gateway Games Powered by: WildTangent (pre-installed with 10 demo games and 60 minutes of game play) User-Installed Software: •DVD 1: World Book Encyclopedia 2008 •DVD 2: Entertainment - Aquazone Desktop Garden, Hoyle Board Games 2007, Hoyle Puzzle Games 2007, Morpheus Photo Animation Suite, Muppet Babies - Thinking and Sorting, My Scrapbook 2, Serif Creativity Suite (Serif Draw Plus 8, Serif Page Plus X2, Serif Panorama Plus 3, Serif Photo Plus 11, Serif Web Plus 10), Sudoku Crunch and Wizard Chess. •DVD 3: Productivity and Reference - ACT! 2007, Budget Express 3.0, Cook n with Betty Crocker, EMC Retrospect Express HD, Family Tree Heritage 7, Form Tool Deluxe 6, Quicken Willmaker Plus 2008, Stuffit Deluxe 11, Sunbird Calendar, Thunderbird Email, Turbo FloorPlan Landscape and Deck, Turbo FloorPlan Home Designer and Typing Instructor Deluxe. •CD 1, 2 and 3 - Tiger Woods 2007

What is your zodiac sign...? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)? I’m a Sagittarius!! Damn fucking TRUE! Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ass. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want. rach2305: i just c + v from another website :) oops i mean copy + paste

What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

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what should I get for my birthday? I'm turning 16 and don't know what to ask for I may or may not be getting a car so I don't want to ask for that here's what I already have: iphone ipod computer tv cable stereo fish tank designer bags perfume digital camera hair stregtner and i don't just want cash what is a unique gift that not every body has but everyone loves ? anything is helpful